I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
