just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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