The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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