She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
