You just made me feel so damn special
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
