His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
