absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
foreskin is a definite game changer
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Send help, water and tortillas.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
