my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
