His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
