So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize