Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
