I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize