I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
