I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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