Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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