I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
