if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
