Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
People in love make me want to vomit
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
