need another drink. this is the easiest way
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
