Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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