So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
