My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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