i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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