i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
