my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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