I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
