ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
