I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
