i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
50% drunk capacity currently
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
