Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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