I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
