No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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