so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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