your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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