I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
