sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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