I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
