some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
