btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
