The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
it hurts more in the daytime
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
