The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize