Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
