I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
