Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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