having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
