girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
