I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
