You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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