I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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