I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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