I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
