I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This house was built for laser tag.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
