I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
