1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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