My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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