bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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