I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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